đ° Gen Z Doesnât Understand the Movie âSnow Dayâ (and Other News Stories)
The Honest School Times - Late January Edition
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In this issue:
Report: Gen Z Doesnât Understand the Movie âSnow Dayâ
Crime Beat: K-Cup Found in Trash Can
The Hallways: Student Begins Semester with Perfect Grades
Fashion: Male Teacher Wears Same Outfit Twice in Two Days
Report: Gen Z Doesnât Understand the Movie âSnow Day.â
A new report suggests todayâs students do not understand snow days.
According to a socially awkward nerd researcher, technology and work ethic have rendered the quintessential snow day a mystery for todayâs students.
âItâs really a combination of factors,â the nerd began, pushing up his glasses.
âFirst we subjected a mixed group of students to the 2000 Nickelodeon movie âSnow Dayâ to measure reactions.â
How did the students react?
âAt first, they didnât. So we split the movie into 452 TikTok clips. Then, once they actually watched, they grew confused.
âYou see, they didnât understand why the children went outside or interacted with other children. Let alone stage a Lord of the Rings style battle with Snowplowman.
âAlso, they didnât understand how iPads work in the snow. Physical motion takes too much effort. Then again, once physical motion takes too much effort, mental motion follows.â
We politely asked the nerd if he could indulge us with anything else, so he kept yammering. And yammering.
"When they didnât see any smartphones, they asked if this was the 1800s. Then they kept repeating the word Boomer. Which is distressing, considering that movie was about late Gen-X and early Millennials. To them Boomer just meansâŚâ
Yap yap yap. Boring! Letâs talk to some actual kids.
âSo⌠like⌠you mean⌠they didnât have to pretend to do schoolwork online?â asked Sara, 13.
âI like virtual learning. I just play Roblox with friends all day. When my parents ask about work, I say the teacher didnât explain it. Or I claim there was some password. If I need the grade, I claim WiFi trouble and do it later. They believe it. Why would I ever do anything wrong?â
Sara expressed more confusion about âSnow Day.â
âWait! You mean, like, in the 1800âs they didnât have to lie about online work?â
Meanwhile, the loser nerd researcher kept blathering on, so we ditched âem.
Disclaimer: The Honest School Times cannot ethically recommend any living soul watch the trash-fest that is âSnow Day.â Eating yellow snow might prove better for your health.
Crime Beat: Illegal K-Cup Found in Trash Can
In a statement released to the press, local District Environmental Officer Sergeant Earth reported contraband was discovered in a trash can.
âYou might want to sit down before you hear this,â he said, adjusting his piping hot coffee on the podium. âWe found a k-cup.â
The room collectively gasped. Reporters nearly spilled their hot coffee.
âWeâre not sure who smuggled it into school. All we know is, where thereâs smoke, thereâs fire. And someone smuggled an appliance into school, stealing precious electricity. Ahh!â he exclaimed, spilling hot coffee on the podium.
What will be done? Between cups of fresh coffee, Sergeant Earth outlined three steps:
1. He will idle his SUV in school parking lots, looking for teachers working after hours.
2. He will patrol the halls at all hours, listening for appliances.
3. He will monitor energy usage from his four big screen LEDs, looking for energy spikes.
âHow dare they steal electricity!â he said between sips of warm coffee. âThink of the costs!â
The Honest School Times will keep you updated. But after a fresh cup of coffee.
The Hallways: Student Begins Semester with Perfect Grades
Local student Bridger has announced that he has started the semester with perfect grades in every subject.
âI knew it! Iâm so awesome,â he bragged. He could hardly contain himself.
"I've worked so hard. I've turned everything in, and I know everything!"
Before The Honest School Times could ask another question, he shouted to a crowded hallway.
âI did it! I have all Aâs! Take that, losers!â
The other students looked confused and mildly annoyed. Classmate Juniper whispered, âBut donât we all start with Aâs? Grades begin at zero, not one hundred.â
The Honest School Times asked about his future plans.
âI donât need to do anything. Didnât you hear I have perfect grades? Iâm invincible!â
The Honest School Times asked if he submitted today's Math assignment, but Bridger calmly dismissed the idea.
"I've got perfect grades. Why do I need to submit anything?"
Update: The Honest School Times caught up with Bridger. After two weeks of school and not submitting any assignments, Bridger is now failing. He claims his teachers "pick on him."
Fashion: Male Teacher Wears Same Outfit Two Days Straight
According to coworkers, a local male teacher reportedly wore the same outfit two days straight. (All names have been withheld for privacy.)
âDid you see that?â scoffed one stylish coworker. âWhat a slob! He just wore the same school polo two days in a row. How tacky.â
The Honest School Times interviewed his male coworkers, and apparently none of them noticed the glaring error. They never would. They could just wear the same outfits day after day like primitive cavemen slobs.
Through the grapevine, someone asked whether he realized his fashion faux pas. His answer?
He changed his boxers today. Whatâs the big deal?
Stay tuned.
New to The Honest School Times? Catch up on past news:
The teacher who wore the same outfit two days in a row could have been me--if it was the school spirit hooded sweatshirt. In my defense, in addition to teaching, I've been working on my novel...