Ten MORE Things I Keep in my Desk (Folgers, Sponsor Me!)
Corporate sponsorship means never going ‘paid.’
Introduction
Previously I presented ten things I keep in my desk. Since readers kept demanding I give them ten MORE things, I panicked. I really really want that Folgers sponsorship, and I'm willing to do anything to get it. I mean, who loves writers bragging about subscribers? So I compiled a second list, and you can't prove that I don't have these things in my desk.
The List
10. The Declaration of Independence. Hey, I love America too, but do you have the Declaration of Independence in your desk? I figured not. I suspect there's a map hidden here.
9. Bowflex Home Gym. Some days I need a breather between during passing periods. The Bowflex Home Gym (TM) in my long center drawer provides a full body workout without the stresses and hassles of the gym as I supervise teenagers passing between classes. I give it four stars. Just like Folgers coffee.
8. Three years of industrial sized Folgers coffee cans. Look, I'm trying to get a corporate sponsorship here. If they know that I love their brand so much that I save their coffee tins, this only makes me look good, okay?
7. A three-story windmill. I'm a hippie at heart. The three-story windmill in my middle right drawer helps harness wind power on those days when I want to give back to the earth. And unlike celebrities, I don't burn years worth of carbon from my private jet, although I do burn tires to match their output of toxic gas. Did you know that Folgers comes in ground coffee, K-cups, instant, and single serve packs?
6. An electron microscope. When I grade papers, sometimes students have small handwriting. No explanation needed. It helps. You know what also needs no explanation? Folgers instant.
5. A Spam recipe book. Everyone has Spam recipe books in their desks, right? It's more need than want. Actual recipes are more creative than eating Spam with a spoon, but I understand everyone struggles here. Hey! Have you considered some medium dark Folgers with your Spam?
4. Leftover Spam. It's no secret most adults keep a seven day supply of Spam in their desks, but what do you do when the well runs dry? My solution: Leftovers. It doesn't keep as well as cereal, but sometimes something is better than nothing. Do you know what will keep? Folgers.
3. A draft contract of a Folgers sponsorship. In case Folgers wants to sponsor me, the terms are drawn up. The sponsorship would benefit them more than me, but I'd promise not to spend all the money on fancy things. I'd order off the value menu. Does this sound too needy?
2. The Hope Diamond. Look, I want to show Folgers that I'm cool, and if I have the Hope Diamond, they might like me. If you fill the comment section with complements, saying I look pretty wearing the Hope Diamond, Folgers might believe it. Only one way to find out. You know what you have to do!
Do it now! Comment saying I look pretty wearing the Hope Diamond. Make Folgers think I'm cool.
1. Maxwell House coffee. Just kidding. Who drinks that stuff? Maxwell House tastes like stale disappointment. Its beans are grown with the fertilizer of broken dreams. If I ever keep this in my desk, call for help immediately.
Bonus
A Taylor Swift autographed 1970's car parts magazine. I was shopping for Folgers once when Taylor Swift came running through Walmart, chased by ninja paparazzis. As a former Power Ranger, I saved her. To thank me, she offered her signature, but only after signing a NDA, which I'm pretty sure has expired. So I grabbed the only thing I could--a 1970's car parts magazine. I will treasure it always.
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